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Sunday, August 24, 2008

Money and Grief

So I'm alone for the week. Katie took the baby to our fathers so he could visit with her for a while. And I have to say, awwwwwwwwww. The quiet is astounding. Today I sat and watched an entire movie without Katie talking to me or the baby crying. Not that Maddie is a whiny baby. It's just nice. It's times like this that make want to get my own place. But alas, I don't make nearly enough to move out. But it's looking up.

Early this month I won $1000. OVGuide sent me a check after winning their suggest a site contest. Check out the site, it's pretty cool. Anyway, I used the winnings to buy a car. Sometimes I think I might be weird. I could have gotten a nice looking car. But instead I bought a 1990 Chevy Cavalier. Man do I love that car. I think I may be weird because I purposely searched out that car and then drove 100 miles to get it. You know you're out of the way when you're crossing covered bridges.

So with a car I can finally get a job. After I register it of course. After I pay off a three year old fine that I had completely forgotten about of course. By the time I get some money I can get it "inspected", pay off the fine, register it, and get myself a job. Two years I've been stuck here. Two long years. I actually would have gotten a scooter if I didn't have to cart Katie around.

My friend got married and I was a bridesmaid. The reason this is part of the looking up? I am going to destroy the hideous bridesmaid dress and use it to be a dead prom queen on Halloween. I hate it and wish it dead. And when I run it over, it will be! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Cough* *Cough* Moving on.

My birthday is October 27th. So every year I go to the club on Halloween and celebrate in a costume. Last year I got drunk I passed out. My friends suck and left me passed out on a table. Luckily for me I don't get hangovers and they do. So the jokes on them really.

Which brings me to the other part of looking up and my now married friend. The bachelorette party. Went up and then down a street. Hitting every club and bar in between. I bought my friend drinks and I bought myself drinks and damn were we drunk. And then comes the awkward part. You might know by now or not that I'm actually a lesbian. Don't stop reading if that offends you. I rarely talk about it. And it's not really a big deal, which is why I didn't mention it until now. But I do have to mention it so the rest makes sense.

Anyway, my friend and I have known each other for 17 years. Since we were eight years old and in the second grade together. When we were fifteen we kind of kissed. Kind of since I was really to nervous to do much else. Not made out or anything, just kissed. I started giggling and that ended that. She was always on my mind after that but it wasn't until she was standing at the alter with her husband when I realized that I didn't just have the hots for her but I was in love with her. Those weren't wedding tears I was crying. Those were tears of sorrow. It took her getting married for me to realize what I felt for her.

I think in some way she knows this. How I feel I mean. The night before her wedding we happened upon a gay club and went in. She was very drunk and danced and kissed another woman. This may sound shocking. Kissing someone else the night before your wedding but trust me when I say that that it's actually not a big deal. Especially since we found later the bacholer party included strippers. Anyway, she grabs me from off the dancefloor where I was drunk dancing and says that she was making out with another girl and didn't want me jealous.

Even as drunk as I was, I have the presence of mind to not say anything about how I feel about her. And I'm pretty sure, admitting I was jealous as hell would be admitting something. More then anything I don't want her to feel awkward and stop being my friend. I don't think I could stand that. So I say no and off she goes on her merry way. To be honest I wanted to grab her and kiss her. She is so beautiful and smart and cool. She always has been. She's completely crazy. And I that's why love her. She gave me a necklace to wear for her wedding and I look at it and sometimes I feel so sad. I will never get to be with her. In a way though we sometimes are closer then a couple. We talk everyday. When she had a miscarriage and stayed in the hospital, I was there all day with her. When she's sad I talk to her. Granted I want to hold her but that's not to be. She's like a picture in a fancy catalog. You can touch it and admire it. But you know you just can't afford it and you'll possess it.

I don't know. Every woman I look at it or have ever been in a relationship with, I can't help but compare to her. I think I may be alone for a long time. I guess sometimes, you have to take what you can get. It's not great but it's at least better then nothing.

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