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Monday, October 27, 2008

How To Survive A Horror Movie

With Halloween fast approaching and me being a huge fan of horror movies, I thought I'd whip up a little list in case you ever found yourself trapped in a horror movie. So here goes.

1. If you know you shouldn't go in there then don't go in there.
2. Females should never ever show their boobs. A nip slip means automatic death.
3. If you're black, hispanic, or gay then your best bet is to run away as fast as possible and don't stop until you're at the police station or crowded mall. Because you have no chance against the killer(s). You're only other option is dying in a blaze of glory but in the end no one will even mention it.
4. Don't have sex. You don't necessarily have to be a virgin but just refrain from sex for the period of time the killer is killing. No masturbating either.
5. Don't do any drugs. Just to be safe you should stay away from booze and cigarettes as well. It's always the fool going out to have a smoke that buys it.
6. No short cuts. Stay on the main road. Dirt roads = bloody horrible death.
7. No picking up hitchhikers. Even if they look super hot and super slutty.
8. If you're blonde then dye it. Red heads are fine. Brunettes are fine as well unless you're a black hair died goth. Then dye it and stop being gothy.
9. Don't nag. The nagging "don't go in there!" or "I'm going back to the car!" bitch will never make it back to the car.
10. Stay in threes. Singles and pairs die easily.
11. Being a lesbian is fine as long as you don't kiss any other girls. So as hot as that may be, refrain.
12. The killer is not dead. Chances are the killer is immortal. But he may be just really really hard to kill. Either way, he's not dead. So don't just stand there breathing hard.
13. Listen to the wise old caretaker. His advice may be bad and there is a chance he may be the killer but in general listen to his advice.
14. Check your comrades for bites regularly. They're hiding the fact that they were bitten a few hours before when they snuck out back for a smoke.
15. Don't try to rescue a member of your party. This one may sound callous but it will only get you killed while the friend skips away unharmed.
16. Bring a bike. Your car won't start. Nobodies car will. So ride a damn bike.
17. Wear sensible shoes.
18. Don't have heart to heart talk and blab your backstory. As soon as enough pity is worked up for you, you die.
19. If limbs starting falling off your friends then just leave. Run away and don't look back.
20. If your bed starts shaking then move to another bed.
21. Don't ever try to find out what made that weird noise.
22. Don't watch VHS tapes. It's 2008 anyway so why the hell are watching a VHS?!
23. Stay out of towns so small they only have the one creepy sheriff.
24. Drive away quickly if you only notice kids and no adults.
25. Don't play with toys. This includes dolls, puzzles (especially the ones shaped like boxes), action figures, board games, or ouija boards.
26. Never go after your pet. They're perfectly fine and whatever is there will most definitely get you if you try.
27. Leave the zombies/vampires alone. It's one thing killing them in self defense but purposely hunting them will put on their shit list.
28. Shoot them in the head. One head shot can put a quick end to the menace.
29. When your friend is being eaten/killed then use the opportunity to run instead of just standing there screaming.
30. Grab a baby. Babies are usually safe. Unless you grabbed the one with powers. In which case chuck it off a cliff before it looks at you and drives you mad.
31. Don't bother hiding. Killers can smell fear and urine.
32. Killers walk at roughly 35 MPH. So hoof it. So never stop to take a breather.
33. If you see a lone zombie then run because a hundred more are right behind it.
34. Run from any clown you see. They are all evil and wish to do you harm.
35. Stay away from the entire Asian continent. It's full of ghosts, demons, and Michelle Gellers.
36. Don't be the macho guy. Macho guys always die trying to save the slutty blonde who puts out.
37. Don't be the nerd. Nerds of either sex always die. Simply from refrain from mentioning anything nerdy including "how to fix the fuse box" or "how to survive a horror movie."
38. Sleepovers are out. In fact stay away from groups of teenage girls altogether. They're like candy to a maniac.
39. Ditch the cell phone. It can be used to spread curses. This now includes text messages.
40. If you get bitten by a strange animal then find said animal quickly and bring some silver bullets.
41. The kid in the mask isn't trick or treating.
42. Stay away from the Arctic.
43. If you're female and discover your neighbors are satan worshipers then move asap. They either want you to birth the anti-christ or they want to sacrifice you.
44. Stay in the mall. It's only when you try to escape that you die.
45. Don't be a bully.
46. Never take directions from the only gas station attendant for a hundred miles.
47. That creepy scientist who experiments on animals and dead things is not your friend no matter how many times he's invited you in for tea.
48. Don't shower. Showers are notorious for being deadly. As an added bonus your smell might keep the killer away.
49. Vampires are smarter then you. It comes from being hundreds of years old. You can't outsmart them so just be ready with lots and lots of stakes and maybe a sunlamp.
50. If it's Halloween or Friday the 13th then just lock yourself in the basement with supplies, flashlights, and shotguns.

Happy Halloween!


Maricel said...

just had a great time reading this! :)

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